I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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