The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Come see our sink grown plant.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
