I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
