if you like me you must not know who I am
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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