We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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