I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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