dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
