well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
