What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
