So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
