I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
