she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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