Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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