i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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