: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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