you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
