If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
