Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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