DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I need to calm my uterus...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
