Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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