i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
