Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
