Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My penis needs a shock collar
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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