Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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