Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
