ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
