Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
