someone threw a dead crab at me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
