I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
