apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Send help, water and tortillas.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
