I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
