I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
