They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
