Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
