I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
