When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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