update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
