do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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