i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
