I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sober January is a disaster.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
