he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
