drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
