maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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