Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
