onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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