"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
