is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
