His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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