i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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