I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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