the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
