She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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