its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I supernannyed him into submission
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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