Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
