On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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