Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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