All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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