I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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